Adoption Q&A (The better-late-than-never edition)

GIMH asked a list of questions recently about adoption to assist those who may be discerning the call. Family needs and out-of-town guests prevented me from answering as quickly as I would have liked. Nonetheless, here are my responses to her list of very good questions:


1.  How did you know when to begin the adoption process?

We felt the initial pull early on, but over time the desire crescendoed in our hearts and (pre)occupied our minds.  When the actual time came to submit an application, I could have more easily suppressed a breath than delay starting the process another day. We just *knew*.

2.  Did you ever feel like you failed at TTC (and were giving up "trying") so that's why you adopted?  What suggestions do you have for those working through these emotions?

While primary infertility may have served a catalyst for our decision to adopt, I vehemently reject the idea that it was a Plan B of any kind. God carefully choreographed each of our adoptions as our unique and perfect Plan A from the beginning.

Trying to conceive is a whole different topic altogether. Firstly, we've never officially stopped TTC.  :) And secondly, even if we do manage to conceive someday, I don't think it will thwart plans to adopt again in the future. 

But I do think it's wise to put aside fertility treatments while in the process of adopting. Not because I think that being "twice blessed" would be a hardship or burden. One should only be so fortunate! But the gamut of IF treatments is a soul-sucking journey that requires an enormous amount of emotional reserves as you go along. Much like the adoption process can be. In my opinion, you need to give your full attention to one or the other because of the twists and turns your particular journey(s) may take you. It may be that you are not quite ready to lay aside the pursuit of fertility just yet. That's fine! Be honest with yourself. There is no shame in saying, "just one more cycle...just one more treatment". Do keep in mind that putting further fertility treatments on hold now doesn't preclude the option of returning back to them at a later date.  With each child we adopted, we jumped back onto the fertility-seeking bandwagon (to a greater or lesser degree) within a few months.

My point is, don't second guess yourself. Stay the course. I think it would be folly to find yourself racing around town getting documents certified for a homestudy at the same time as you are timing ultrasounds around your Clomid-manipulated cycle. It's just too much to ask of your marriage and of your spouse.

One final note on this point for the sake of clarity: notice that I did not say that we should stop "achieving related behavior". Nor do I mean to imply that we should avoid those drugs (or even surgeries) that help us our cycles just plain run better and/or keep us out of pain. I relied heavily on post-peak hCG injections for years on end to avoid PMS and it's associated moodiness. We were clear on our health forms for our first two homestudies that the hCG drug, while labeled as a fertility drug, was truly a happy pill maintenance drug for me.

3.  Were you and your husband on the same page about adoption?  What suggestions do you have for a spouse who may not be as excited as the other about adoption?

Actually, my husband was the one waiting for me to catch up. It had been clear to him for a while how we needed to build our family. Bless his heart, he was patient with me as I constantly tried to tweak my fertility. There was always one more doctor, one more pill, one more diet to try. He prayed. He waited. But one day, he just had it out with me. 

4.  How did you work through figuring out where to adopt from, how open to be, and what type of communication to have with your child's birthparents?

This is a unique and personal issue for each couple.

Initially, we were so beaten down by the IF journey that we knew we needed a process that was predictable and would protect our hearts from getting broken all over again. Domestic adoption was our first stop but after attending various info meetings, we quickly ruled it out because a) we didn't want to languish on a waiting list for years and b) the legal process of terminating birthparent rights varied so much from state to state and at the time seemed a bit daunting...or perhaps more risky than our IF hearts could endure at the time. Having a newborn wasn't as big a priority nor was having a child that looked like us and with that, we moved quickly into the territory of international adoption and found a foreign program that was relatively affordable and did not require extensive travel. 

(NB: Guatemala is now closed for international adoption but a nearly identical program with similar features is the Korean adoption program.)

Of course, irony or ironies, we literally fell into a situation last year that has totally changed my attitude and quelled my fears about domestic adoption. And with that situation, the degree of openness was already set for us by the birthmother. We have a semi-open relationship with her which involves a private blog I created to post updates and pictures and the occasional email, Christmas card, etc. Neither party necessarily wants to share a Thanksgiving table together, but both genuinely desire to stay in contact through the years.

I can truly say that I am grateful for the presence, however remote, of a birthmother in our lives. Her presence and example has made quite an impact on my two older boys whose birthmoms we will never know.  

5.  Adoption can be really expensive.  What recommendations do you have to work through the financial aspect of it all?

Firstly, pray. If it's meant to be, the money just appears. I'm not kidding here and I couldn't be more serious. This spoken as someone who is not rich and never thought we'd be in a position to adopt even once, let alone 3 times.

Secondly, make use of the Adoption Tax Credit which now sits at $13,170 per child.

6.  Do you truly feel like a mother even though you didn't give birth?  If you've never been pregnant, do you feel like you missed out on this experience?

This question actually makes me laugh out loud a little. 

As anyone who has been repeatedly peed, pooped and puked on--sometimes simultaneously--or has had an family heirloom tea set shattered by small hands or whose corner walls of nearly every room in her house are boogery and grimy knows...of course I'm a mother! Biology has such a small--and very brief--part to do with motherhood really. Naturally, there is a sadness of what I have missed: their entire gestation periods and first 12mos of my first child, first 6mos of my second, and first 4 hours of the life of my third. But there is a certain (humbling) consolation in knowing that I have been gifted with the privilege of--God-willing--being present for the most important and formative moments and years of their lives ahead. 

I have wiped their noses, their butts and their tears. I am the one person in the world they turn to above all others for comfort and encouragement. I have taught them their first words. I have introduced them to Jesus and prepared at least one (so far) to receive Him in the Eucharist. I will be--again, God-willing--present as they discern and enter into their vocations as adults. All of these things are the privilege, not of biology, but of motherhood.

7.  What prayers and/or books do you recommend for those discerning whether or not to pursue adoption?

While there are many good books on adoption out there, I derived more good advice from speaking with other adoptive parents and indeed adult adoptees themselves than I did from any book I read. Everyone seems to have a different opinion on adoption and how it should be addressed and to what degree it should be celebrated. I have my own opinions on raising adopted children and I won't get into that here. 


A good (albeit somewhat dangerous) place to learn about "adoption issues" is the internet. Adoption.com is as good a place as any to start but there are literally thousands upon thousands of websites, discussion forums and blogs to read and glean the good, the bad and the ugly. Don't be discouraged by what you might find. In every adoption, there is a tragedy and loss involved for each member of the adoption triad...some more so than others.  

Finally, I think I prayed to God and indeed every single saint throughout our journey to and in parenthood. More than any particular saint though, I'd recommend praying to the Holy Spirit for wisdom and guidance as you discern the call to adoption and for the grace to open your heart to the child God might be trying to send you. I assure that you will be pleasantly surprised how perfectly He has planned your family...even if it looks a little different than you imagined it might.

8.  What has been the best part about being an adoptive mother?


It's impossible to narrow it down to only one thing. Being called "mom" is probably right up there at the top. Being the one that a they come to when they are hurt or scared or with arms flailing as they are learning to walk are also priceless experiences. But so is waking up to this every morning...