Where God closes a womb, He opens a heart

Seven years ago this month, we locked away the charts, put down the needles, flushed away the pills and threw in the towel (for a time, as it were) on infertility treatments in favor of a new path.

We had spent more than 3 years TTC before I could allow my heart to be moved in the direction of adoption. I resisted it for so long. We were young, in our mid 20's and the doctors couldn't find a clear cause for our IF so we had every reason to just "keep trying".

Right?

Finally one night while drying the dishes and after listening to yet another of my pouty why-hasn't-God-blessed-us-yet whines, Mr. Mike put down the towel, looked me in the face and asked me,

"Which do you want more: to be pregnant or to be a parent?"

He wasn't flippant or stern in his question, but lovingly genuine and honestly curious. Mr. Mike had, from the very beginning, been interested in the idea of adoption and was patiently waiting for me to catch up. He had faithfully and lovingly supported me all through the infertility treatments but would casually, strategically mention the idea of adoption from time to time. I wasn't exactly opposed to the idea, but just not ready to talk about, uh...extremes.

That night in the kitchen, I picked my head up off the table and I opened my mouth to speak...but remained speechless. Which did I want more?

His question was so simple yet put so much into perspective. I knew that I could never live with myself if the answer was truly the former. The unknown of the future ahead of us was so scary. There was simply no guarantee that any of the treatments we were undergoing were going to work. And yet, here was an opportunity to change course, to invest our energies on something that stood a much greater chance of finally putting a baby in our arms. We were going no where fast with the biological route to parenthood. I was battle worn, depressed, moody and rapidly disintegrating into the kind of person that no one wants to be around. My poor husband! What a gem he was (and is!)

And so it was, in the course of an evening while washing dinner dishes, that we felt the pull simultaneously to to shift gears. A veil was lifted from my heart. I can't describe the freedom that I felt! I could smile again and my Type A personality was relieved that I could finally do something that could yield real, measurable results. Within a few days we were signing up to attend info meetings at various local adoption agencies.

This was such an exciting time for us. I felt renewed in strength and spirit. It was exhilarating to not chart any more and though I would always remain highly in tune with my body and know when I was "fertile", I began to think less and less about, well...myself.

My efforts were for once turning outward, away from the focus on my body and every twinge I felt. So too was my heart turning outward, away from myself and away from my own will and desires. This was time of an incredible spiritual epiphany for us. I had been brought to my knees and was more than ready to truly surrender--willing to hand the reins over to God. It was time to allow God to enter into my heart and transform me. My heart was indeed opened wider because my womb had been closed. I didn't know what was ahead but it was clear that my ways were not working to my satisfaction so I made the intellectual decision to just trust Him. It was a hard but necessary lesson to let go and let God. Our marriage relationship too was on the brink of a renewal.

In looking back, I think that's what it was (and is) all about anyhow. This is true for all struggles in life I think. Much as the process hurts and the lesson a difficult, learning to trust God and take that leap of faith into the unknown is about the most valuable gift one can receive this side of heaven. This is how faith is tested...and strengthened. More on that another time...

So thus began the next chapter of our lives. And so began the process of learning what adoption was about and sorting through the various options that were before us...