The stockings were hung...

...by the chimney with care.

(Yes, I still have our Thanksgiving decorations on the mantle.)

We may be the only family in the world that does not use shoes on the feast of St. Nicholas but rather our stockings.

Call it a throw-back to my childhood when we left our stockings hung all through December...call it a sanitary issue (do I really want to eat something that has been absorbing odors from my shoes all night long?)

Call it what you will...it's what we do.

I made new stockings for everyone this year...at least twice the size of our previous stockings. (Fully lined too!) I got too many complaints from a certain grown man in this house who insisted that the purpose of a stocking is not just for candy but also for small presents.

So I sized up...

The first week of Advent has been truly amazing. I've had the opportunity for some wonderful prayer time that revealed some interesting reflections. I hesitate to rejoice prematurely, but I'm am slowly finding the peace that I have been desperately seeking. Let me just say that God is really speaking to me with a bull horn...or perhaps I am just now tuning in to what He has been saying all along. It's both painful and beautiful all at once.

I've also been preparing to make the Consecration to Jesus through Mary using St. Louis de Monfort's 33-day preparation. It's been grueling in some respects, and though I've made this consecration before many times, I think this is the first time I've truly (fully?) embraced the whole notion of holy slavery to Jesus (through Mary) and what holy detachment really involves.

For instance, I went to confession yesterday and was meditating on the sins against the 1st Commandment ("Thou shalt not have false gods before me") while I was waiting in line. Not usually a commandment I thought I typically struggle with but I was compelled to confess how this fight against infertility has become an all-encompassing battle for me...a battle between God and I it would seem. I have made the pursuit of finding/tweaking treatment a sort of god...something that I've been (perhaps unintentionally) putting before the One True God.

Putting my will before His will. And then having the audacity of being bitter about it.

The priest was so wonderful and agreed that this is a very delicate area to balance. Indeed, seeking treatment insofar as it heals what clearly ails us and is morally permissible is one thing...but that the constant drive...the constant pursuit...the constant dissatisfaction with my state in life...this can be problematic when it interferes with where God is trying to lead me.

I think finding peace is only going to come from the difficult process of becoming detached from this. All of it. Detachment from what occupies the greater part of my mind, heart and prayers is, according to St. Louis de Montfort, how one becomes a happy and joyful slave to God's Divine Will.

Happy Liturgical New Year!

So technically, Saturday night was the new (liturgical) year. But more importantly, it's Advent! A season always full of hope and anticipation for our Savior's birth but one that also never fails to give me a renewed sense of hope for what lies ahead of us in the new (calendar) year.

I got out the Advent Wreath a few days ago--at the same time I pulled out Thanksgiving decorations from the attic--and fortunately stumbled across a set of new Advent candles at church last Sunday. We always pull out the big artificial tree the first week of Advent too and get the (white) lights on but leave the decorations off until Christmas Eve. We call it our "Advent Tree" (complete with purple ribbon) but this year I'm determined to make it into a Jesse Tree.

(This is the only picture of a previous Advent tree I have--such an action shot!)

Today, being November 30 and the feast of St. Andrew, begin two different of my favorite novenas of all time. The first is a novena of the Immaculate Conception. I never fail to marvel at the beauty of this feast nor the significance of it in the life of the infertile Catholic. It does, after all, commemorate the earth-shatteringly miraculous conception of an IMMACULATE woman, Mary the Mother of God in the womb of her mother, St. Anne--who was thought to be barren. St. Anne happens to be my namesake but little did I know the significance this saint was to have for me later in life.

Novena to the Immaculate Conception

Immaculate Virgin! Mary, conceived without sin! Remember, thou wert miraculously preserved from even the shadow of sin, because thou wert destined to become not only the Mother of God, but also the mother, the refuge, and the advocate of man; penetrated therefore, with the most lively confidence in thy never-failing intercession, we most humbly implore thee to look with favor upon the intentions of this novena, and to obtain for us the graces and the favors we request. Thou knowest, O Mary, how often our hearts are the sanctuaries of God, Who abhors iniquity. Obtain for us, then, than angelic purity which was thy favorite virtue, that purity of heart which will attach us to God alone, and that purity of intention which will consecrate every thought, word, and action to His greater glory. Obtain also for us a constant spirit of prayer and self-denial, that we many recover by penance that innocence which we have lost by sin, and at length attain safety to that blessed abode of the saints, where nothing defiled can enter.

O Mary, conceived without sin, pray for us who have recourse to thee.

V. Thou are all fair, O Mary.
R. Thou art all fair, O Mary.
V. And the original stain is not in thee.
R. And the original stain is not in thee.
V. Thou art the glory of Jerusalem.
R. Thou art the joy of Israel
V. Thou art the honor of our people.
R. Thou art the advocate of sinners.
V. O Mary.
R. O Mary.
V. Virgin, most prudent.
R. Mother, most tender.
V. Pray for us.
R. Intercede for us with Jesus our Lord.
V. In thy conception, Holy Virgin, thou wast immaculate.
R. Pray for us to the Father Whose Son thou didst bring forth.
V. O Lady! aid my prayer.
R. And let my cry come unto thee.

Let us pray

Holy Mary, Queen of Heaven, Mother of Our Lord Jesus Christ, and mistress of the world, who forsakest no one, and despisest no one, look upon me, O Lady! with an eye of pity, and entreat for me of thy beloved Son the forgiveness of all my sins; that, as I now celebrate, with devout affection, thy holy and immaculate conception, so, hereafter I may receive the prize of eternal blessedness, by the grace of Him whom thou, in virginity, didst bring forth, Jesus Christ Our Lord: Who, with the Father and the Holy Ghost, liveth and reigneth, in perfect Trinity, God, world without end. Amen.

The second novena is one of the sweetest, most beautiful and nostalgic prayers that will always conjure in my mind the image of my father leading our family in the following prayer after our family rosary each night leading up to Christmas. You say it 15 times a day from Nov. 30-Dec 24. As I child, I marveled at the words "piercing cold" and would imagine how difficult and humbling yet powerfully thrilling the experience of Jesus' birth must have been.

Christmas Novena

Hail and blessed be the hour and the moment
in which the Son of God was born of the most pure Virgin Mary,
at midnight, in Bethlehem, in piercing cold.
In that hour, vouchsafe, O my God
to hear my prayer and grant my desires,
through the merits of Our Savior Jesus Christ,
and of His Blessed Mother.

Amen.
(It is piously believed that whoever recites the above prayer fifteen times a day from the feast of St. Andrew, on November 30, until Christmas will obtain what is asked.)

[Imprimatur: +Michael Augustine, Archbishop of New York, New York, February 6, 1897.]

And finally, today is the feast of St. Andrew--brother of St. Peter and one of the first to respond to the call "Come follow Me". He was a fisherman and tradition calls for us to celebrate this great saint by serving a seafood dish at the dinner table. Being a good midwesterner at heart, I don't care much for seafood, but I saw this recipe from Alton Brown and have always wanted to try it. I can't believe I came home with a whole (and blissfully gutted!) fish...head and tail still attached. The boys are thrilled and can't quit poking looking at it. They've been singing the following song all afternoon.

Fish heads! Fish heads!
Roly poly fish heads!
Fish heads! Fish heads!
Eat them up...YUM!

We'll see how it turns out.

Phone consult redux

One year ago today, I was in a hotel room in Omaha recovering from my surgery with Dr. Hil.gers. I was 4 days post-op, in a considerable amount of pain, still undergoing the ovarian ultrasound series and all alone, missing Mr. Mike who had flown back home to be with the boys. I was miserable on so many levels, but was buoyed by hope that this crazy trip was going to be worth it in the end. The ultrasound series confirmed a LUF and I eagerly looked forward to my follow-up appt with Dr. H later that afternoon where he would tell me he had found the culprit for our 10 years of infertility and a Rx for the treatment.

A year has gone by and I have found anything but peace after my experience in Omaha. Specifically, after everything that was done to me in Omaha, he declared that he could find no clear reason for our infertility (an utterly frustrating and frankly devastating fact for me to grapple with). That's not his fault, but he talked me into participating in two experimental studies: low-dose cortisol and T3 (thyroid) therapy. Both drugs, he claimed, have evidence of being "the ticket" for couples experiencing unexplained IF. After about 14 months on T3 and 7 months on cortisol, however, I asked to withdraw from both studies because of the expense involved and the weight gain I experienced. I didn't notice any improvement/difference at all with the drugs.

But what I really wasn't at peace with was the fact that I had a documented anovulatory cycle that never got addressed. I never ovulated while I was out there. His response of "well, that's probably just a fluke" has just not been sitting well with me these past 12 months. When I talked to his nurses about it afterward, they just gave me their canned response to trust him.

Sorry, but I need a better answer than that.

I didn't spend all that additional money and time away from my family last November for this. It was after this last conversation with Dr. Hil.gers' nurses in September--with whom btw I was very nice--when I withdrew from the cortisol study that he suggested a phone consult. Frankly, I was a little shocked and just sort of want to be done with all this but, sure...I scheduled it anyhow. In the mean time, I was doing a little more research of my own online, specifically regarding low-dose naltrex.one (LDN).

And so, I had my phone consultation with him two weeks ago. I've been chewing on what we talked about ever since. It was a 35-minute conversation in which I addressed three areas of concern:


1) I wanted to know generally what our "prognosis" is and where, if at all, we go from here. Has he reached the bottom of the barrel of options?


2) I wanted clarification on the results of the ultrasound series and why he didn't think LUF was a significant finding worth pursuing a little more.


3) what is the criteria for prescribing LDN? It appears that it's been used (by him and others) for the last 25 years, particularly in cases of infertility with unexplained etiology.


Re: 1) he mostly talked in generalities about what they have the ability to test for and treat. I've been tested and treated for just about everything he even remotely suspects. He was concerned about the tail-end spotting I continue to have despite the biopsies & cultures he ran last year (which came back negative) and the 21-day course of antibiotics both Mr. Mike and I took in December. He said he has a hunch that the tail-end spotting is a response to some kind of sub-clinical infection--but he doesn't know what--and that is ultimately responsible for our infertility. He encouraged me to not look at our IF journey as the 11-year journey it's been but rather just the 12 months it's been since he saw me. I get what he's saying, but he forgets that I've been a NaPro patient for 9 years.

Re: 2), he was quick to deny that he said any such thing. He reiterated that LUF is a very significant finding, but only for the cycle in which it occurs. He has no way of knowing how often it's happening but suspects it's not every cycle for me. He mentioned something about being under stress while I was out here and he's not surprised that I failed to ovulate. He talked mostly about how far advanced his ultrasound technology is and how well trained all his techs are. I was going to ask him about getting a second series done locally, but honestly--I let it drop. I know what his answer would have been. I'm going to be seeing Dr. S in a few weeks and if I get a second opinion/new series done, it's probably going to be through his office anyhow.

Re: 3) I told him I had been doing some of my own research on LDN and pointed out that Dr. Phil Bo.yle in Ireland has had remarkable success with it, especially in cases with endometriosis, tail-end spotting, PMS and other fertility related ailments. He responded that he had been Rx'ing it longer than Phil Bo.yle (for 25 years or something like that) but that he has fails to be as charmed by it as Dr. Boy.le seems to be. BUT--he was willing to Rx it for me and give it a shot. He mentioned that one thing that makes me a reasonable candidate for it is the evidence of a sub-clinical infection (tail-end spotting) and seeing as LDN boosts the immune response, it could assist the Omega-3's I'm already taking in fighting off any subtle infection that might be going undetected. It's a long shot, I know. But I adore Phil Bo.yle and if he thinks it's worth a shot for those who have unexplained IF, I'm willing to give it a try.

In all, I guess I'm satisfied by what I heard. Not surprised, not overjoyed, not completely disappointed. He answered my questions in a way I expected him to. I told Mr. Mike, "leave it to ME to be the kind of patient that stumps even Dr. Hil.gers!" I think I can safely say that he has exhausted what he can do for me though because I sensed some discomfort on the other end of the line. I'm an enigma. I don't know if I've quite reached the "finally-able-to-close-this-chapter-of-my-life" point yet--given the fact that I campaigned for the LDN and he's willing to Rx it. I'll give the LDN a chance for a few months and just continue to pray for God to guide us.

As a final interesting side note...While I was on the phone with him I asked for a Rx for Diflucan for a yeast infection I was having...probably the result of the antibiotics I was taking for that tick bite last month. I told him how highly susceptible I seem to be with getting yeast infections, especially while on antibx. That triggered an idea for him and he shuffled through some paperwork to find the culture and biopsy done on my uterus last year. He said there was evidence of yeast both there and on the Pap he did in the office the day before surgery. He is speculating that perhaps I have a chronic problem with yeast (perhaps a culprit for that sub-clinical infection he suspects??) and Rx'ed a heavier 3-day course of Diflucan in hopes of knocking it out completely.

So I'm now reading the The Yeast Connection by William Crook. And someone shoot me now please because I've also been reading Dr. Toth's book Fertile vs. Infertile for the past year and was looking up info on an office visit with him in NYC.

An existential moment at the toilet

We attended Mass in the Extraordinary Form yesterday--something we've been trending towards a little more often. The Latin Mass and all it's prayers are so beautiful and if you take time to read the translations, it's amazing how ethereal the Sacrifice of the Mass really is. It's easy, I find, to lose yourself as the priest to humbly prays the Mass on behalf of the congregation.

The readings for yesterday's Mass (the Extraordinary Form are on a different cycle than those used in the Ordinary Form) hit me, particularly St. Paul's exhortation in Colossians 1:9-14

...that you may walk worthy of God, in all things pleasing, being fruitful in every good work, and increasing in the knowledge of God; strengthened with all might according to the power of His glory, in all patience and long suffering with joy; giving thanks to God the Father, who hath made us worthy to be partakers of the lot of the saints in light...

I was reminded in this reading of how easy it is for me to fall into the habit of feeling sorry for myself instead of reveling in the little moments that surround me day to day...and using those moments of grace as a means of being strengthened in the work to which God is calling me.

My existential moment came last night...after we had put the kids to bed and were settling in with a movie. About an hour into the movie (around 11:30pm) our oldest came bursting through our door, crying his eyes out, his pajama shirt dripping with something wet. He told us he had just thrown up and didn't feel good. I walked him to our bathroom and proceeded to clean him up while Mr. Mike checked in on our youngest who was still asleep in the bed they share and began stripping sheets. We got everyone settled into new pajamas, new bedding (on the floor of our room) and just abandoned the movie for the night.

But our sick son couldn't seem to get comfortable and was eventually back and forth to the bathroom to continue emptying his stomach 3 more times. Each time, all Mr. Mike and I could do was smile at each other. No words needed to be spoken. We were so tired and desperately wanted to sleep--and would have loved to finish our movie--but gladly gave it all up for him. We are so grateful to have moments like these...wiping up vile messes and running loads of laundry at 2am. This was real motherhood and fatherhood.

Then at one point, my poor kid was bent over the toilet and--between breaths--begged me, "Mom, don't leave me!" I reassured him that I would stay right with him. Then he begged me to pray with him. (How on earth did I deserve such a kid?!) I said sure and he provided the words, "I just want to die and go to heaven now to be with you now, Jesus!"



[gulp]



Talk about a heart-stopper.

At that moment, I wanted nothing more than to take on all his pain for him. I would have gladly and without a moment's hesitation traded places with him if I could. And then I recalled St. Paul's words from Mass. This is what I've been called to do. This is where God wants me and how He intends to strengthen me for the work I have yet to do.

I'm grateful for every moment of this life of mine...even the uncomfortable moments and those where I don't have the benefit of seeing the bigger picture--which is most of the time. I imagine my Father above looking down on me in my own tears and misery and wanting to take away all my pain too. But He utilizes both the joyful moments and the sorrowful ones in my life as a means of finding Him and drawing closer.

Coq au Vin

Now this is what I love about being a housewife. Food. It's one part of my life and marriage vocation for which I have some degree of control. I love to cook. I'm no Rachel Ray, but I give it a go anyways. I learned early on that the quickest way to my husband's heart was through his stomach.

He's so easy. Give him a plate of food that not only fills his stomach but also tickles his palate and I have him wrapped around my finger.

Feeding one's husband and family can be as much of an art (or a chore) as one wants to make it. It's not easy and don't get me wrong, there are certainly nights where we simply order pizza. But making healthy decisions in the kitchen and carving time out during the day to plan and prepare for a meal is an act of love. It shows him--so he tells me--that I've been thinking of him through the day. Nothing is more demoralizing to my husband, as I've discovered the hard way, than when he walks through the door after a long day of work to find that I haven't even thought about, much less started, dinner. I may have every excuse in the book and had a busy day in my own right, but to repeatedly and habitually squander this part of my vocation is unacceptable.

Ask me how I know this. [hangs head in shame]

Now I'm fortunate in that I don't work outside the home. I have the ability to do make dinner nearly every night of the week. And you know what? It's my God-given duty, especially since I have the luxury of being stay-at-home-mom. So why not have fun with this element of my vocation as a housewife?

This was the third time I attempted Coq au Vin and I tweaked the recipe(s) quite a bit each time and finally came up with something for which even the kids went back for seconds (and even thirds). Contrary to what you might think, this French classic comes together ridiculously easily. The most time consuming part was peeling the onions but you can also buy the frozen, store-bought bags to save a step.


Coq au Vin

3-4 strips of bacon, diced
1 broiler, cut up (or 2-3lbs bone-in, skin-on chicken thighs, legs, breasts)
1/4 c. flour
salt and pepper to taste
1/2 lb pearl onions (about 20-30), skinned*
1/2 lb mushrooms (I use creminis from Trader Joe's), cut in half
6 garlic cloves, peeled and left whole or sliced in half
1 1/2 cups red wine (preferably pinot noir or sangiovese...avoid cabernet)
2 cups chicken stock
2 Tbsp butter
2 Tbsp chopped fresh parsley

Mix flour, salt and pepper together and lightly dredge chicken pieces and set aside. Brown bacon over medium heat in a large dutch oven. Remove cooked bacon and set aside leaving grease in pan. Brown chicken pieces, in small batches. Remove browned chicken and set aside.

Add butter to pan then add mushrooms and onions and saute for about 4-5 minutes until lightly golden. Then add garlic and saute for 2-3 minutes more. Remove onion mixture and set aside.

At the bottom of your pan you should now have developed a nice fond (browned bits). Add the wine and with a spoon, loosen up this fond then add the chicken broth. Add the chicken pieces back into the pan, making sure the pieces are mostly submerged in the liquid. Cover and simmer on med-low for 20 minutes or until meat begins to pull away from the bone.

Remove chicken to a warm platter. Add the onions, mushrooms, garlic and bacon pieces back into the pot, increase to medium heat and allow the liquid to reduce just a bit until it thickens to a light sauce. Spoon over chicken. Garnish with parsley and serve over buttered noodles or potatoes

*To peel pearl onions quickly, make an "X" with a paring knife on the root end of the onion. Drop into boiling water for one minute. Allow to cool then pinch the skin off with your fingers.

4 years ago today...

We received this picture in an email:

He was 2000 miles away in Guat.emala City, 6weeks old and utterly healthy but according to our agency, had just been turned down by another family. Did we want him?

Umm...yeah.

DS and I went out to the store to buy an "It's a boy!" balloon and surprised Mr. Mike with the news when we got home from work that night.

November 3, 2005

How I managed to keep the news from Mr. Mike for 3 hours, I don't know. But I'll never forget that look on his face when he came through the door, totally confused and asked DS if I had found him some clearance balloons on sale somewhere.

And then it hit him. :)

Five days later, we would board a plane to fly down to meet him and sign the power-of-attorney to get the process started (and effectively shaving 3-4 weeks off the process).

Jet-lagged and running on nothing but adrenaline, we would find ourselves waiting in a small, sterile room in an attorney's office within hours of arriving at the Guat.emala City Airport. They brought him into the room and our lives have never been the same...

November 8, 2005

First moment with Dad

Meeting and holding our son (even if he wasn't even close to being legally ours yet) was magical but fleeting experience. The visit would only last 48 hours but during that time...

We got to smell that beautiful infant smell.
We got to swaddle him.
We got to feed him.
We got to walk the floors with him at 1am, 2am, 3am, and 4am.
We got to gaze upon him in all his newborn glory.
We got to experience life with an infant...our infant...for just 48 short hours.

We signed the necessary documents we came to sign and with tears in our eyes, gave him back to the attorney two days later. My heart was ripped out--once again--at leaving a child behind. Twice before, we had to do the same with his older brother. There was nothing more we could do but wait and pray for the paperwork to get filed with all the various public ministries in a timely fashion. This was a time for being schooled in all the virtues. It was a time pregnant (forgive the term) with opportunity for spiritual growth. It was during that time we had no other choice but to practice the virtues of humility, hope, faith, trustful surrender, perseverance, and love.

That pain of being separated from our new son(s) is the most difficult thing I've ever experienced...and each time, I'd swear that I would never...could never...have the strength to do it again. And yet how could I regret it?

It would be 5 more months before we'd see him again and could bring him home to the US. By that time, he would lose that baby smell and would gain 10 more pounds. But I have these pictures and those memories which I hold dear. That pain of that separation was so worth those 48 precious hours we got to know him during his first weeks of life.

We lost so much of those early weeks and months with him and will never get that time back. But today, I have the most sweet-tempered little lovey who still climbs in bed with us at 3am.

God anticipates our needs long before we do

The last few weeks has been nothing if not busy and eventful with a series of ups and downs, highs and lows.

Last week I celebrated my 33rd birthday. The day started with my dog running away, Mr Mike and the boys sick on the couches and the arrival of AF. The dog came back a few hours later and I enjoyed having my husband around the house to chat with, even if he did drift in and out of a Ny.Quil-induced coma. But the heavy heart hung around for days.

These words ring in my head and offer solace:

The greater the self-giving, the greater the love.

But a heavy heart is just sometimes made heavier simply because you're reminded of it when you least expect it. Like at the Urgent Care the other night--I received a tick bite on my ear while on a hike which developed into cellulitis--I had to answer the "are you pregnant or any chance you could be" question multiple times before they'd Rx me the necessary prophylactic antibiotic. I swallowed down the lump in my throat and answered, "no".

But on the other hand, at least I was eligible for the antibiotic which will (hopefully) prevent me from developing Ly.me's.

Moving on...all three boys were struck down with the swine flu last week. Somehow, I managed to escape the sickness--perhaps it's the megadoses of Vitamin D I'm taking in my fermented cod liver oil. Regardless, it was a very good thing as someone had to remain standing. Everyone came through it fine and no worse for the wear.

This week, Mr. Mike started a new job. He wasn't even looking to leave his old job but he was offered a fantastic opportunity (both professionally and personally) to start working as a software developer for a contract company. The job comes with a small salary increase and served as a confirmation for me that I should not return to work (good thing, as I just filed my nursing license officially as inactive).

We got a minivan. Lord help me...I'm driving an 8-passenger vehicle. We have no business in my mind driving around a vehicle that has so much room and intended for a large family. I resisted, really I did and we certainly weren't looking for another vehicle. I do miss my SUV but I am grateful for the great price we got on a newer vehicle with far fewer miles to drive around. And being about to sell my beloved VUE on Craigslist.

I am humbled by how well God is taking care of us. In fact, all the events surrounding this new job, the tick bite, the new vehicle and even new cycle is a much-needed reminder than God is caring for all our needs--even if not all our desires--before we can anticipate them ourselves.

Who knows...perhaps one day, they'll be good reason for those extra seats in the van too.



PS...I got the tick bite while on a glorious fall hike through a local wildlife refuge. I admit, the weather and scenery made it worth the trip to Urgent Care...