It's been weighing on my heart and I got some clarity this weekend about the purpose for this blog and why the bulk of what I discuss centers on IF when there is more to my life than IF. I don't seem to blog about the blessings I've been given. My life is full of hysterical, funny moments, cute sayings the kids say and beautiful gestures of love all around me yet I rarely mention them. But I should!
Over the past several weeks, I have gone to God and His saints quite a bit in prayer and have come to the conclusion that all this focus on IF and blogging about it and ignoring the blessings of my life is not helping me move on in the way I keep saying I need to.
Fact is, I am a mom and that's what I need to focus on. Not what I want but what I currently have. I'm thriving (or at least trying to) in my life as a homeschooling mom of active little boys who are totally into weapons, superheroes, Lego, Star Wars, Indiana Jones and...
...Narnia.And all of this is--or at least it should be--taking center stage in my life...not the IF.
At the risk of estranging any IF readers of this blog I have to admit that I am becoming increasingly uncomfortable in my identity as an IF gal. It's sounds crazy because very likely for the rest of my life, I'll carry this burden in my heart and will always be aware of it. I still shed tears over it. And yet, it doesn't cause quite the angst as it once did. When I was in my 20's, infertility was my primary issue and concern. Now that I'm in my 30's and have a 6 (almost 7!) year old and a 4 year old...well...their needs and my vocation to mother and nurture them is taking precedent...or at least it should.
Don't get me wrong...I still feel the pain of IF acutely and I still ache, yearn and pine for more children. But it's becoming more clear that it's not about just having a house full of children. It's about being the best mother I can be to the children I've been given. I don't want to squander any of the joy the boys provide in my life. In recent months, through lots of prayer and some spiritual direction, I'm coming to see that I'm not going to change God's mind. (and you're thinking, "well, duh!") But seriously, I can't even pray for it anymore.
It is what it is.
And the more caught up I get in discussing it sometimes and even saying novenas for that intention, the more...well...un-authentic I feel. This is my life. These are my children.
God knows my desires and can heal me in an instant if He so desires. But He hasn't so why resist what is clearly His (at least current) will for me? I feel like I'm doing my children a tremendous disservice to constantly have my thoughts and desires beyond where God has placed me.
This is not to say that I've given up hope. I still maintain that I'm not infertile! How 'bout THAT?! Ha ha!!! Seriously...not even Dr. H.ilgers knows what's wrong with me. So I maintain, there's nothing wrong with me. (How's that for being presumptuous?!) It's just not God's will...or at least not His time. I sometimes still think one day it will happen, but in the mean time, I need to embrace what I have--both the blessings and the struggles.
I will likely mention IF from time to time but I no longer want it to be the sole focus of this blog the way it has. Bear with me...I'm still finding my feet here...in addition to discerning how much I'm willing to divulge (pictures? real names?) of my private life.
Oh! The spiritual journey on which these last 10 years have taken me!
Be content with what you have, for he has said, "I will never forsake you or abandon you. (Hebrews 13:5)
Happy Feast of the Most Holy Rosary!
4 comments:
Great post. You are so wise.
Great post. Also, one of my brother currently attends your alma mater and one graduated from it in 2006 (as well as a bunch of our friends).
Woo- hoo!!! I just wrote about being at a very similar place in regards to my vocation.
blessings.
Great post! Don't worry, we won't feel alienated. Hopefully one day we will all get to that stage. Looking forward to hearing more about Mrs. Mike's wonderful life!
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