...and yet, despite the abrupt departure of hope as a result of a simple trip to the bathroom, it returns just as swiftly a few days later as the bleeding dries up and my body gears up to try try again.
Despair is replaced by a resurgence of hope. Ever on a mission to conqueror, Hope bullies Despair into submission and reminds us of the fact that with each new cycle comes a fresh start, a clean slate, another chance...however futile.
However often I encounter this cycle of Hope-conquering-Despair-conquering-Hope-conquering-Despair, I never cease to be amazed in the restorative power of Hope. Around this time of my cycle every month (approx. CD5 or 6) I can almost forget about my long history of reproductive failures.
It's all way too much like Confession. If God can forgive me over and over and over for the same sins I commit over and over, is it any wonder that He can also instill hope each month...and more importantly that it can still retain it's effect from month to month--albeit to varying degrees? Is it a coincidence that no matter how greatly we sin and offend God, there is always the Sacrament of Confession ready to remedy us? We can always start out with a fresh slate, however much we know that we will likely muck it up before long. Only to return again to the Sacrament to make it clean. Again. And again. And again.
Does life not burst forth each Spring after the barrenness of Winter, regardless of how hostile the climate? Do we not see examples of Hope everywhere we turn around if we can only just see it?
Rather than resent the fact that I am given the opportunity to hope--however often it sets me up for a hard crash--I am choosing (at least for now!) to rejoice in each new cycle/opportunity for the possibility of life to be knitted in my womb. LOL--that sounds crazy to say that. My brain tells me the chances are laughably slim...but you know what? My heart tells me otherwise.
I'll say it again...I don't think I'm infertile. (Stop laughing!) I know that medically I'm considered "infertile". But my body does function--for the most part...except, you know--as it is supposed to. No one can find a reason why we haven't conceived and everything appears to check out "normal". Even Dr. H is left scratching his head. I choose to think that God is just waiting and biding His time with me.
(Dare I say it?)
Mark my words. I believe with all my heart that it will happen someday.
Call me the eternal optimist. Call me drunk on Hope. Call it a wing and a prayer. But I thank God today for a reproductive system that at the very least offers new chance each month. Among many things, I can be grateful that I am given 12-13 opportunities to hope each year. How awesome is that? I'm 33 and the flame of Hope, however dim, is still present in my heart.
That reminds me...I should go to confession.
11 comments:
Beautiful post!
I stumbled upon your blog several months ago and I was so comforted to see another infertile, adoptive mother who was still struggling monthly with the grief and pain of infertility. Your honesty and faith are incredible and touched me deeply.
I just wanted to comment today to share my story with you. After 8 years of infertility, a diagnosis of stage 4 endo, two domestic adoptions, more novenas and prayers than I can count, we became pregnant in September. I'm celebrating 20 weeks on Sunday. We conceived without any treatment or intervention and the pregnancy has been completely healthy so far!
Your post touched me because I was right where you are now very close to the time that we concieved. I had just recieved the results of a FSH reading that came back at 15. I'm only 30 years old, have been trying to concieve since I was married at 22, have done just about every Chruch approved means of treatment available.....I knew it was probably time to give up on the idea of life in my womb. I deperately wanted to close the door on that chapter of my life and move forward. But somehow I still had the belief in my heart that it would happen somehow, someday. I went on a women's retreat in August and spend the entire three days thinking about our infertility journey and what lay ahead. I came home from retreat with a sense of calm that God was at work, that whatever happened was for the good of my soul, and that His love for me was as real as I had ever experienced before. I honestly felt like He was helping me move forward. I started to get excited about the possibility of a third adoption.
But I wasn't ready just yet. A friend sent me some information about St. Therese and I fell in love with her life story and her faith. I started a novena asking for her miraculous intercession for the healing of my womb. If that was not God's will, I asked for her prayers that my heart would be healed from the pain of infertility. I honestly felt a little silly....it had been a long time since I had so boadly stated that intention in a novena. I started the novena on September 23 to end on her feast day of October 1st.
On October 10th I got the first positive pregnancy test of my life. We likely conceived the very day I began the novena.
Now I know we infertile women are always looking for the "magic potion"....the latest treatment we haven't tried yet, a new vitamin, a novena, etc. I don't know what the answer was in our situation. But I do believe there is something very powerful about hanging on to your hope in the face of a situation that seems hopeless. I believe this brings God great joy!
My prayers are with you and I share your hope!!
Beautiful post! I'm trying to let hope win.
I love this! And I will try to remember it when I look at my "hope" ornament-maybe I should hang it up year round! :)
We should all have such enthusiasm and hope!
I am still very hopeful for you. Prayers!
I read this in the doctors office today literally hanging on every word. But then busted out laughing at the end...Oh that reminds me I need to go to confession! hahaha
What a great post! Hope is God himself! ;)
Wow, you inspire me to continue to hope - even when it's difficult. I pray that God gives us the strength to hope.
It is truly amazing that we can still have hope every single month. A new cycle, hope and faith renewed...somehow.
Beautiful post!
Anonymous--what an inspiring story! Congratulations on your newest blessing! I'd love to hear more sometime. I make a novena to St. Therese every.single.year. LOVE her.
Sew...LOL--I just realized that that last sentence could be taken the wrong way after all I had just discussed! But seriously, I need to get me to confession and get this baggage off my heart (err...soul). And you're so right...God personifies Hope. :)
Thank you for your post on my blog! It's so great to connect with other women pursuing the same dreams and upholding the Catholic faith. I hope to get to know you better! Great post today...beautiful.
Another beautiful post. I always love your reflections. I like the connection between our hope being renewed each month and God continually forgiving us over and over for the same sins. He really does provide us with so much grace on this journey - even on the days when it all seems so overwhelming.
Wow! I love this post!!!
Sometimes, deep down, I feel this same hope also!! It is hard for me to discern how to deal with it.
I am hopeful for you as well!!
And I LOVE anonymous's story!! Anonymous, please do share more!!! (I too was diagnosed with stage 4 endo and have adopted domestically and do desire still to conceive if/when it is God's will).
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