In the bitterness of her soul [Hannah] prayed to the Lord with many tears and made a vow, saying, ‘O Lord of Hosts! If you will take notice of the distress of your servant, and bear me in mind and not forget your servant and give her a man-child, I will give him to the Lord for the whole of his life and no razor shall ever touch his head.’Who doesn't love this story? It's a story of sorrow. And redemption. And hope. I love this story so much, we even named our second son after Hannah's.
...And Eli answered her: ‘Go in peace,’ he said ‘and may the God of Israel grant what you have asked of him.’
...the Lord was mindful of her. She conceived and gave birth to a son, and called him Samuel ‘since’ she said ‘I asked the Lord for him.’ (Samuel 1:10-11, 17, 20)
Hope is a funny thing though. Too much of it and you set yourself up for a tremendous fall...and lots of work getting back on your feet. Too little and, well...what's the point of going on? Am I right?
But the thing with hope is necessary. However often I fall as a result of it, I simply can't give it up. It's what buoys me on my weakest days. The adrenaline rush I can sometimes squeeze out of it is the best drug out there. Is it any wonder that the symbol for hope is an anchor? It's truly something I cling to in the storm...the thing that keeps me on the right path regardless of the storm all around us.
But gosh darn it...hope can be such a cruel thing sometimes! How often have I wished that I hadn't gotten my hopes up? How often have I begged the Lord to protect my heart from getting ripped out again and to keep my mind from drifting and making too many calculations too far in advance? Oh do I pay dearly on account of keeping hope alive.
Or perhaps it isn't the fault of Hope after all. Perhaps I'm too wrapped up in what *I* want instead of asking...and repeatedly asking throughout the day...for whatever God wants. And the grace to accept whatever that is. Perhaps my idea of Hope is skewed as are my expectations of God as a divine gumball-machine. Sure, I suppose I have this CRAZY notion that He is going to deliver me from this sadness that envelopes my heart because...well, He's GOD and because...well, I asked Him to send me relief. In no uncertain terms! I can't shake the idea that God is actually going to look with mercy and hear my prayer someday just as He heard and was merciful to Hannah...and Sarah...and Elizabeth and a host of other women throughout time and history.
And so I hope. I don't want it, but it's there. It's unrelenting. It won't leave me. Just when I think I've made progress in giving this over to God and truly surrendering and abandoning my will, there is another Mass reading that keeps feeding the hope in the my heart.
What are you telling me Lord??!! I'm trying to give this to you and not look back.
But I hate this. The last few weeks have been so good in terms of being able to lay my desires down at His feet and walk away as I promised Him I would. And just when I think I've gotten somewhere and gained some spiritual ground, I'm given a reminder that God hears the cries of the barren.
7 comments:
Hope is very tricky. At times I wished I didn't have the capacity to hope, but then I would just go back to it again.
Beautiful reflection.
I think as long as your goal is to follow His will, you will be fine :) And His plan for us is always reason to be hopeful!
Hope is a challenging thing. It's easy to give into numbiness when your hopes have caused you pain. I definitely needed to hear the last part about focusing on God's not my wants.
Beautiful reflection! I echo all of your thoughts. Hope is so tricky. Thank you for sharing with us.
Great thoughts. I have really enjoyed reading Hannah's story again this past week - it is so beautiful. And I never knew that the anchor was the symbol of hope - so fitting! It can really be hard to interpret where God is leading us when we hear readings like this and feel drawn towards opening our hearts again to hope. I truly hope that God is planting this new hope in your for a reason!
Post a Comment