Life in the Cry Room

Linking up with Kendra from Catholic All Year with my take on cry rooms. Once upon a time I was pretty neutral on cry rooms. But then two separate instances happened in this past year that changed my mind.

1) About a year ago I attended daily Mass with my boys and nearly 2-year-old daughter. After Mass the priest, a newly assigned associate pastor gave me a dressing down for allowing my daughter to serve as a distraction to both him on the altar and the 7th graders behind us (it was a school Mass).

I was a blubbering mess and could only offer my sincere apologies through sobs and tears. He (politely) asked for me in the future to either sit in the last pew or further away from those highly distractible teenagers or take her to the back of church (where there is no cry room) whenever she decided not to sit still for Mass. 

The funny part is that she was actually fairly well-behaved that day. 

2) Following a particularly lengthy Mass one Sunday at a different parish, I was genuflecting and exiting the pew while holding my 2-year's hand when a certain gentleman (who happens to be a Supreme Court Justice) approached me in the aisle. His message was curt and matter-of-fact: my child was "far too young to attend Mass" and needed to be left at home so that others could attend Mass in peace. He himself then genuflected and walked off without so much as a 'have a nice day'.

I was too aghast to make a reply but managed to hold my composure and smile, pretending I didn't hear him as we parted ways. In the van, I asked my husband if he heard any of the discourse but he just rolled his eyes, reassured me that our kid had done great that day and shrugged it off as just someone who lacks custody of the eye.

Still, I was now officially paranoid. 

Can church-goers co-exist?

I'm not of the crowd that thinks kids kids don't belong in Mass. On the other hand I do try to show curtesy for my fellow Mass-goers by taking my children out when they are noisy (be they upset or just chatty) or disruptive to anyone within a few pews. And I'll admit that I'm appreciative when other moms offer the same curtesy.

I won't argue that taking babies and toddlers to Mass isn't a trying experience. It is. But for a girl who used to sit in those pews with empty arms, I wouldn't think of leaving them home. Not only is attending Mass with little ones important in teaching them how to behave in church it's also important that the community of prayerful worship be comprised of all it's members. That includes the babies who, yes, may distract those in pews behind them.

Sorry but my kids - and yours - have a right to and need for the graces that flow from the Liturgy as much as any adult.

Until they are old enough to receive this is how they encounter the Eucharist. Children are keenly and uniquely suited in their simple, childlike manner to draw even hardened adults into the Mystery of Faith. Even a baby will turn his head to the altar when he hears the bells at the Elevation and will lock eyes the Host. Something is happening up there and it's fascinating. Oh that we "enlightened" grown-ups were all so fascinated by the confection of the Eucharist at the hands of the priest at every single Mass!

But back to cry rooms (or "children's chapels" as some parishes call them)...

Our local parish doesn't have one so I became accustomed to standing the back of church with baby or toddler in my arms or in a sling/carrier. When they got too heavy to carry for long (usually around age 3-4) we practiced standing on one tile of the floor or sometimes in the corner for particularly ornery behavior. The point is: you don't reward bad church behavior by letting them go to the back of church to run around.

But Kid #3 was a game changer for us. All that I thought I knew about taking babies and toddlers to Mass went out the window when she became about 18mos. You see, this darling daughter of mine is not only far chattier than either of my boys were at this age but she also started packing on the pounds as soon as she started eating solids. She was 40lbs before her second birthday and currently weighs 55lbs just a few weeks shy of her 3rd birthday. (I know.) She's not at a good age yet for redirection. Distraction, yes, but keeping her focus on the Mass for more than 2 seconds is just not going to happen at this age. Point being, I cannot possibly hold her for long in the back of church. I simply must put her down after a few minutes.

Or more preferably I need to have the option of sitting down with her on my lap while we practice that whisper voice and redirection during Mass.


It just so happens that we've been attending Mass at another parish that does offer a cry room and I admit it: the cry room has become my salvation with this particular child. I don't enjoy sitting apart from my husband and two older boys but it's the season of parenting we are in. It is what it is. And I'm not apologizing for enjoying a more comfortable place to wrangle attend Mass with my plus-sized toddler.

But here's my cry room PSA to all parents who use cry rooms:


Please be considerate of other families who must share that postage stamp sized space with you. 


The cry room is not:

1) a 'retreat' from the Liturgy. You the parent have an obligation as much as you are able to still pay attention to and participate in the Mass while you're in there. Chatting about recipes or worse with other parents during the Consecration is not going to do you or your child any favors.

2) a gymnasium. We all know that kids like to climb under and over the pews but permitting them to do so in the cry room is only encouraging the behavior you took them to the cry room for in the first place.

3) a cafeteria. I of all people understand that nursing, bottles and even the discreet use of Cheerios for the unruly toddler is one thing. But when the cry room is turned into a veritable buffet complete with noisy packaging, beverages of every flavor and color, candy comprised mostly of Red #40 that is only exacerbating rambunctious behavior and crumbly crackers that get thrown, stomped on and spat out--how can I possibly compete? How can I try to direct my child's attention to what's happening on the other side of the glass when she is begging for her fair share?

The whole point of the cry room is to have a temporary (to a greater or lesser degree) spot to calm your child or practice appropriate Mass behavior. Yes, there are many Sundays when I spend the entire Mass in there too but the goal is to get back in the pew with the rest of the family. Please do not abuse this space.

Love it or hate it, the cry room is still sacred space, ya'll.

It takes a long time to train a child to sit through a Mass. Frequent daily Mass attendance - where the duration is usually quite shorter than Sundays - is the best piece of advice I can offer parents struggling with little ones in the pew. It's a struggle yes. It often feels like you haven't even attended Mass. You'll question why you even bother. But just go. Trust me. Your kids need to be in the Presence of Jesus and often. We carry a "Mass bag" of religious picture books and I permit a pad of paper and a pencil which helps keep little hands and minds busy. Practice sitting quietly on Mom or Dad's lap during family rosary at home.

No one expects a preschooler to sit upright, not fidget and respond to all the prayers but even toddlers can and do eventually learn to use a whisper voice. Eventually you'll enjoy longer stretches in the pew. It's a lengthy investment but it does pay off in the long run.