For those who have adopted and maintain at least a semi-open relationship with birthparents, what if anything do you do special for them at Christmas?
I just received a package in the mail from S's birthmother...a huge box filled with little trinkets for S and the boys and some coffee and coffee mugs for DH and I. Also included in the box was a little "Mass Kit" for the boys...a plastic chalice and paten with purificators and fabric for making chasubles. (She's Catholic too and I guess we had mentioned our boys' penchant for playing Mass at home.) Very sweet gesture and I am touched by her thoughtfulness...not to mention generosity.
I suspect she's reaching out in a way. Perhaps interested in more than just the photos and newsy updates we'd been sending her. She had made it clear during her pregnancy that she "didn't want to be involved in raising her" but I wonder if perhaps...now that S is here with us in the flesh, hundreds of miles from her away and no longer resting under her heart if she is reconsidering her level of involvement. I'm conflicted about broaching the topic with her...but that's a whole 'nother topic.
But it makes me wonder if the simple tree ornament I had made for her is really...well...enough. I considered a photo album, but I know she's already been printing most of all the pictures I've sent her. I want to send her something somewhat meaningful and from the heart but nothing I am coming up with can come close to the gift(s) she's lavished on us.
I need ideas...even at this late hour of Christmas week. (The Christmas season lasts for at least a couple more weeks...the Wise Men gave gifts eight days after Christmas, right?) What would you like to receive if you were a birthmother?
19 comments:
I too have been pondering this in my heart! This is our first Christmas with Isabella and we have a very open adoption with her birth mother who lives 9 hours away. I send her pictures and updates monthly. I am wondering what would be an appropriate gift for her, as she gave us the most wonderful gift in the whole world. I can't think of anything that would come close to showing her how much we love and appreciate her choosing life for Isabella!
Maybe footprints of the baby? On some beautiful parchment paper with the age they were taken and framed?
Blessings to you all
Christi
OH GEEZ! It never occufred to me to give a present to our wonderful birth mother. Oh dear.
Now I"m stressing. Signing up for ideas...
Maybe a Shutterfly book? Or I have seen really cool finger print jewelry where you make a mold of a finger print, and they cast it in sterling silver. :) Here is the link: http://www.tinasteinberg.com/love_touch_collection.html
http://www.tinasteinberg.com/love_touch_collection.html
Not sure if the link worked last time! :)
okay well basically that's the link but it's html on the end. :)
I love the fingerprint idea but sadly that's a bit out of our price-range...is that bad to say...given all that she's given us?
My husband suggested the idea of her footprints/handprints too...that would be totally doable if I can figure out the best way to do it. What kind of ink/paint would you use? I have some pretty parchment paper.
I basically made her an Christmas ornament with a wallet-sized picture of S inside. But I dunno...it just seems so...paltry.
That's a tough one, but I think the ornament you have is lovely and thoughtful. I wouldn't worry about something else, but here are some ideas.
This might not work in a time crunch, but what about an etsy necklace maybe? Something like this (there are less expensive ones - I just used the first I found)
http://www.etsy.com/listing/50953824/personalized-initial-birthstone-necklace?ref=v1_other_1
Or BM's own initial necklace?
http://www.etsy.com/shop/RitzyMisfit?ga_search_query=ritzymisfit&ga_search_type=seller_usernames
There is an etsy seller (The R House) that I think does BM necklaces around Mother's Day, but I didn't see anything up now.
I definitely like the idea of a necklace with the baby's birthstone, but the footprint/handprint idea is nice too.
Wow, what thoughtful gifts she sent!
Mrs. Mike, my good friend is a birthmom. The adoptive mother lives in another state but does send her Christmas gifts. They are really special to her! Ideas? Something small for the mail like a nice lip gloss trio, or how 'bout earrings or a pretty scarf? If it were me, I'd send something just for her...'just my two cents...blessings on you, and her!
I would also send her something just for herself. It may be painful for her to have little footprints of the baby she gave up. I know she likes the pictures, but footprints/fingerprints just bring up more emotions I feel like... I'd send her some earrings or a scarf like Danya said, along with the ornament you made. Something pretty to make her feel good, something to pamper her... maybe even a pedicure somewhere in her town?...
I love the necklace idea, but being the recipient of one of your lovely ornaments I would say that is just fine. Anything you make from the heart is going to be something she appreciates. You can write your thoughts like you did here in a card and she will appreciate them, I am sure.
I am so fortunate in that I have a nice relationship with her and would adore her if my child had never been conceived. We have a LOT in common, including faith.
She will read a book and she'll recommend it, or vice versa.
I will usually get her something like a "Catholic" book - could be of a saint's life, or a Scott Hahn book - whatever.
Our gifts to each other rarely involve my daughter, believe it or not. I DID get her an amethyst rosary once - it's my daughter's birthstone.
It depends on her taste - MOST women like a simple piece of jewelry, or a Target gift card, or a rosary. I just generally think of Mary's first mother as a little sister, and buy her things I'd buy a little sister. She is not really the type to want a handprint or something so personal. She's not at that place in her life just yet.
I don't have any real advice but I think your gift is lovely and will be much appreciated.
I think the ornament you made sounds just perfect, but I totally see what you mean considering all that she sent you. I like the idea of giving her something just for her- jewelry, a scarf, cute pj pants... I know she'll appreciate whatever you send!
I just talked to a friend that is a birthmother to a 12 year old that she placed in an open adoption as an infant. For their first Christmas, the adoptive parents gave her a ring engraved with his name and birthdate and she said she wears it every day!
She did suggest a simple piece of jewlery with a birthstone in it, or the engraved birthdate or both. I am thinking of an ornament with Bella's birthdate engraved in it, because her birth mother is a teenager and not really into girly jewelry.
I won a beautiful rosary from "trendy traditions"--there's a super, hip zebra striped one which would be great for a younger Catholics.
The National Basilica also gives a nice "gift of prayer". You can sign up anyone for a year membership of Mass intentions for $25 and get a beautiful picture of Mary sent to their house.
I just ordered Isabella's birth mother a bracelet with an engraved charm on it for Christmas. Something simple, but praying she knows how much we love her.
Hand print was my first idea. If I was a birth mom, I imagine I would love putting my hand on her print. I have been pleased with Personilization Mall online and saw this: http://www.personalizationmall.com/Baby-Handprint-Christmas-Ornament-Kit-i30155.item?productid=10621&sdest=Search&sdestid=14215300.
Otherwise, someone suggested something for her...and being a teeanager, maybe a starbucks gift card or something like that would be nice.
I can understand the confusion on the topic. Paul and I in different places about what level of openness we are willing to agree to.
Two things that have helped me is understanding that the updates help the birth mom know she did the right thing and that visits (if they happen) help the child from fantasizing about their bio parents. I would recommend looking for classes, through foster or adoption agencies on open adoption to get some more insight.
Enjoy Christmas with your beautiful girl. I have been showing off pictures of your family! :)
Maybe a footprint angel.
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