The "good Catholic family"

From Karen Edmisten:

A Good Catholic Family

We see five kids, or six … or seven. Maybe one on the way. And we know. That’s a good Catholic family.

And they certainly are. Their openness to life is an apparent and beautiful witness. But what of those families whose children number only one, two or three*? Are we to surmise anything about them?

The question is more than hypothetical for many. My husband and I, for example, strive to be faithful Catholics, to live out all the teachings of the Faith, including those on marriage and children. We have three children -- on earth. In Heaven there are six other souls whom I hope to meet someday. As we have suffered through miscarriages we have gained powerful prayer warriors in Heaven, but our large family isn't visible to the world. This is painfully clear every time I am confronted by the issue. The questions range from well-meaning to thoughtless (though never, I am certain, ill-willed):

"Do you want more?"
"Are you going to try for a boy?"
"Three? You need more!"

Awhile back I met a friend’s mother, and the conversation turned to children. I had two children at the time and I proudly rattled off my daughters' names and ages. She smiled politely. When another guest mentioned her five children, my acquaintance lit up. "That's wonderful!" she said. "So few people have that many these days!"

Ouch. She didn't mean to hurt me, but her words stung as surely as if she’d slapped me on the cheek. I had just lost a baby two weeks prior. I wanted to shout, "I want more -- I have more! They're in Heaven -- does that count?"

Of course she’d have been horrified to know that her words hurt me and of course I said nothing. Charity often demands silence. And it's worth noting that some of my reaction stems from pride. In the presence of people who value life I want them to know that I value it dearly, too. My openness to life is hidden in Heaven with my babies who (I hope and trust) pray daily for their mother to be less prideful and more able to handle the little stings that come her way. But still ... still ....

It hurts to be judged, yet it can be a vital wake-up call to not judge others. A few years ago I similarly judged an acquaintance. When I overheard her being asked about more children, I dismissed her curt response as that of one who is closed to life. I later found out that she’d been unable to conceive again, and I was jolted back to the reality of my own pain and my uncharitably quick judgment.

"Therefore, do not make any judgment before the appointed time, until the Lord comes, for He will bring to light what is hidden in darkness and will manifest the motives of our hearts" -- 1 Corinthians, 4:5

I was reminded not to judge by the visible number of children. Good Catholic families come in all sizes and "only" one, two or three children may be the visible sign of parents who have suffered.

Conversely, families with many children can struggle in their own ways with openness to life. Occasionally, mothers-of-many can, during difficult or overwhelming times, feel just as "closed" to life as those who don’t understand Catholic teachings on contraception. It seems a cruel irony that a woman with eight children yells at God for the latest positive pregnancy test on the same day that another woman blames Him for the loss of her baby.

It is not a cruel irony, but a holy one. Only the Lord knows exactly what we need -- He is purifying each of us in His own way, allowing what He knows to be best, as we struggle to understand His movement in our lives.

And so, I turn to Him each day, both to understand His will for our family, and to ask for the grace to avoid judging others unfairly. Having struggled on both sides of the issue, I can say that perhaps the best response, when we hear, "Kids? Yes, we have two," is a simple, "And what blessings they must be!" Then, let's pray for one another. Now, that’s a sign of a good Catholic family.

*or none at all


This is a topic near and dear to my heart and one that I've made reference to previously. I happened to stumble across this article this morning as I was up early with the onset of CD1 cramps. I have encountered this kind of sentiment over and over in our little Catholic circle of friends. Now perhaps I'm just sensitive, given my lot in life, but I have always fought to urge to lash out at these people who assume that more kids=holier families. Perhaps this kind of attitude could be construed as reasonable given the kind of culture we live in--the kind to which Sew makes reference.

But I have observed a tendency for some Catholics (especially in the homeschooling community--of which I am a part) who are fighting the culture of death to sometimes perhaps forget that being generous with children and openness to life is about more than just having lots and lots of children. Now, I'm not knocking lotsa families--Lord knows I wish I could be one of them! I'm the product of a large family myself and I know first hand--at least as one of 7 children who grew up in a small 3BR house--having a large family today *is* heroic.

Among some of our friends and even family, I see that there is a tendency to...well, brag about the number of children they have simply for it's shock value--having 8 kids today is quite scary to the average American--or even for the purpose of "one-up'ing" each other, particularly in front of clergy. ("She may have six children, but Father I had TEN!") Now on many levels, their bragging rights are well-earned but come on! Children can't and shouldn't be reduced to badges on a Parenting Scout sash: the more you have the higher you rank.

But let me get to the heart of the matter of why this topic stings for me. Recently, I have been painting like a mad woman around the house. I've been sewing drapes and hanging pictures on walls and just generally giving certain rooms in our home a face-lift. After all, we have an extra person we are preparing for this summer and a homestudy coming up soon--I have good reason to make our home warm and welcoming. I was standing with some friends and acquaintances from our homeschool group and someone mentioned all the work I've been doing around the house. One of the moms--a mom of 7 who particularly likes to blame her tired, haggard appearance all "on those kids"-- spoke up and laughed, "Well that's because she only has two children and no nursing babies!"

Ouch.

Now I'm sure she meant no ill and I am willing to give the benefit of the doubt--perhaps she wishes she could get even one of her rooms painted in her home--but I wanted to tell her, "do you know how gladly I'd give up the ability to paint and decorate on a whim in favor of having the distraction of a quiverful?"

But I didn't.

I write about this not because I want to stick it those fertile families, but as a reminder to all of us--myself included--that frequently, there is far more to any given person's story and history than we can assume just by looking at them.