Turn me over, I'm done on this side

I just want to be done. Done. Done. Done.

I'm tired of this angst.

I'm tired of the hope I hold out on every month.

I'm tired of caring. I just want to MOVE ON. Be at peace. Be content. Settle in.

I'm on a host of drugs that don't seem to be doing a hill of good. Dr. Hilgers has me participating in 2 separate drug "studies" and I just don't think I wanna be a part of them any more. The T3 is costing me $50/month and the taking the Hyrdocort 4x's a day is a PITA--all for the pleasure of serving as a test subject.

This month of June marks a full year I've been on the T3 and I don't see a bit of good/difference it's done. And the good Dr. hasn't even really been following my levels or checking to see how it might be making me feel. I asked him for a T3/T4 blood level check when I was in Omaha for surgery in November and he was like, "oh, yeah, I guess we could do that." WTH? Really? $50 a month and multiple temp/pulse checks and you're not even going to be following my levels?

And the Hydrocort, I'm just suspicious about. I started taking that in April--again, I haven't noticed a bit of difference in how I feel--and supposedly Dr. H will be having me do the Adrenal Questionnaire again after 3 months of being on the drug to compare but I have yet to hear anything about that.

I brought some of these concerns to the attention of the nurse last time I did a cycle review and she of course tried to encourage me to follow through with Dr. H's treatment plans for a minimum of 12-18 months following surgery. She reminded me that most of his patients don't achieve pregnancy in the first 6 months following surgery...that it takes time for the body to reset and heal from the surgery.

I get that. But I'm not doing this until next summer. I have been having more cramping with AF, more dyspareunia and though my endo is mild, I can feel it's back. I can live it with. It's just a nuisance and a little disappointing that all the drugs I'm on don't seem to make a dent in my overall reproductive health.

I decided that I'm done with cycle reviews. I'm done with Peak +7 blood draws. Those two things alone were costing nearly $150/month. When we got the most recent bill from PPVI, I saw all those miscellaneous lab and phone consultation charges. What is the point in doing it anymore? Honestly. The nurse old me that the blood draws are only done in the event that I do become pg--they'll want to know what my progesterone levels are to know how aggressively to treat to prog support.

As they say in Lethal Weapon, "I'm gettin' too old for this sh*t".

And on that note, I'm earnestly praying (for real this time...I mean it) that I can just joyful accept where I am and be filled with peace. I've been at this for too darn long. I'm 32 years old. It's been 10 years. I have 2 successful adoptions under my belt. I am already a mother. Has God been telling me to bloom where I am all this time and perhaps I've just not been truly listening? Perhaps I really did delude myself in being lead to Omaha last year--I could have sworn I felt the spirit call me there...that it was time to go...that it was what I needed to do.

Perhaps I did need to go there to put it all to rest. Perhaps, now that I've gone and nothing more can really be done...nothing more could be found and no drugs have proven helpful...maybe I needed to go out there and spend these last 7 months on these trial drugs to get the closure I sought.

I heard a great homily on Sunday. I am in Phoenix now visiting a friend and attended the Cathedral Mass for the Feast of Pentecost. Beautiful Mass and powerful homily. The (youngish) priest offered these thoughts:

The Holy Spirit is the oft-forgotten person of the Blessed Trinity but the one who is arguably the most active in our day to day lives. On this powerful feast we are reminded that the Holy Spirit dwells in each of us. Now. Today. *This* day and every day.

Pentecost is not just an event in history--He descending from Heaven NOW and is active in our lives though we don't always notice it or give Him the credit due to Him.

He is responsible for every good act we have ever done and will ever do. But more importantly, He gives us the grace to let go of that which is dying away and hold on to that which lasts. Whatever we endure in this life, for better or for worse, is mysteriously and beautifully cutting our path to Heaven. We would do well to recall the anxiety and hopeful anticipation of the apostles in the upper room. embrace this and recall Omnia ad Dei gloriam, "all for the glory of God".

I pray that this is a new beginning for me...for us. I pray that the Holy Spirit inspires me to truly be able to give up this desire and heal my heart and allow me to move on in a way that doesn't involve dragging this cross any longer.