Embracing this cross

I've been reading a book called I Believe in Love by Jean Du Coeur De Jesus D' Elbee. I highly recommend it. http://www.amazon.com/Believe-Love-Personal-Retreat-Teaching/dp/1928832288

I can't say enough about this book...but its changed my life and the way I'm looking at my cross. The author uses the spirituality of St. Therese of Lisieux to challenge the reader to really look at the difficulties in their life and not question "why me Lord?" but rather, "how best might I make the most of this difficulty for the purpose of my salvation and the perfection of my flaws?" It really, well...it makes you grateful for your cross because you begin to see it as a gift from God--an opportunity to come to know Him through the intimacy of sorrow and suffering--and when you embrace it, it becomes a gift right back to God.

Since reading it, I've been struggling with the concept of this quote (the name of the saint who said it is escaping me now)

"In the end, we won't ask why we suffered so much. But rather why we suffered so little so poorly."

In theory I want to want what God wants, but I feel ill-equipped to really follow through with that desire. I know that I have two children and rather than be greedy, I should shut up, gracefully (and gratefully!) accept what I've been given--though certainly don't deserve!--and focus my prayers to some other need. But this pain hurts. It's real. I wish so much I could wave a magic wand and not care about my infertility anymore. But it's where I am and God gave me this desire for a reason. Whether to suffer or continue to hope (or both?) t

Then I'm reminded in scripture to pray without ceasing...to believe as though I have already received...to knock, seek and ask...you know. (See yesterday's post.) It seems almost contradictory in nature. I pray mostly these days to just carry this cross for as long as God wants me to carry it. Last night however, I prayed my brains out like I haven't prayed in a long time...for the specific intention of God to heal me and deliver me from this cross.

In the end, I don't believe there is a magic formula or specific novena or even a correct disposition to have in order for our prayer to be answered. Each of us, individually, is caught up in but one of the many bitter realities of a fallen world and God has an individualized plan for each of us. I believe God wants us to persevere in prayer but I do believe He wants us to embrace this cross...to regard it as a tool for our salvation (dare I say a gift). There is a reason He hasn't answered our prayers for a pregnancy (yet). I don't want to squander away this opportunity I've been given.