What if after all my prayers, the final answer is simply no. Not "not yet", but simply a resounding "No". No for eternity. As the years drag by, it is becoming, I'm afraid more and more plausible. It is a difficult, if not unfathomable concept to embrace . After all, didn't Christ himself promise,
- "And I tell you, ask and you will receive; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks, receives; and the one who seeks, finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened." (Luke 11:9)
But as year passes year and the cross has clearly not been lifted from my shoulders, I revisit this very real possibility. It's not that my prayers have gone unheard or that I belong to an indifferent Creator. God's perfect plan for us may involve great trial *in order* to help us attain a greater good. No matter how great the earthly good I seek, God holds my ultimate eternal good in greater concern. A priest reminded me that if God says "no" it's because He has something even great in mind.
Something greater.
We don't know what plans God has for us but we can be consoled that His plans will guide us to our greatest possible end in Heaven. (Jeremiah 29:11)
But the question is...will I endure? I may believe all the above with my whole heart (at least intellectually) but am I ready to live it? Will I be able to get through another year? Another 5? Another 10? Will there ever be a day when the pain doesn't choke me? Will there be a time when I can live without that leaden feeling in my chest when I hear someone else's happy news? I don't know--I certainly hope so--but I do know that while it remains painful, there is merit to be obtained. There is grace to be simply absorbed if we open our hearts and lay down our will to allow His grace to engulf us.
If we could but imagine our reward in Heaven for fighting the good fight, for enduring through difficulty, for offering our sorrows and pouring out our lives as a libation!! Eye has not seen nor hear heard, but I certainly want in on what's in store for those who love him. Theologian I am not, but I know enough about Heaven to want with with every ounce of my earthly being. And yes, if carrying this cross for the rest of my life is what it will take to get my foot in the door, you better believe I'll shoulder it.
God was truly wise in creating us to not know the future. How could any of us endure if we could see the sorrow to be endured in the days and years ahead? If God told me right here and now that my prayers will never be answered in the way I hope, will I abandom Him for it? Or will I be able to say, "blessed be the name of the Lord" and rejoice in His plan for me.
Do I think I could get to heaven if God answered my prayers with a "yes"? Sure. I would think it could only augment my efforts. I guess what I'm trying to say is when He says "no", I may not understand, agree or even endorse it necessarily with my poor, limited, earthly being. But God has blessed me with frequent reminders that when He says no, it's because He has something even greater in store for me.
Our lives are but an instant compared to eternity. I don't want to jeopardize anything in the coming world for a brief respite of solace in this world. Much as I wish so much for a quiverful of my children to meet me in heaven one day....much as I would love to create a new soul to love and adore my Beloved...much as my human desires wish for the goodness and blessings of more children, I have to be willing to lay even this down. For the love of Him.
Am I willing to go that far for Him? Are you?
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