Trust in the Lord with all your heart

This is one of the most difficult subjects to discuss. I've been sitting on this post for days because I still fear I'm not strong enough to carry through with the commitment.
I made the Consecration to Jesus through Mary this past Tuesday on the feast of the Immaculate Conception. In a nut shell, the preparation for this consecration is one that involves 33 days of spiritual meditations on becoming detached from the things of this world and preparing yourself to be a tool for God--malleable, humbled and willing to be a total and complete slave of Mary and therefore, Jesus. (Mary, as you know, was the sinless vessel through which Our Lord entered this world and likewise is a pure and direct conduit of God's grace for the rest us.) Throughout the 33-day preparation, there is a good deal of spiritual self-mortification involved as you are reminded that you are a mere speck compared to the greatness of God. But it is tempered with the consoling reminder that God is both Father and Tremendous Lover and that trust in the Lord and His providence never leads us down the wrong path.

As you can imagine, this offered me some meaty food for thought over the past few weeks, especially in how I regard my struggle with the ongoing sage of our infertility.

I seek peace and I feel like this constant pursuit of getting control over my fertility is keeping me from that peace. I need to let go for good and entrust this and every part of my life to God. Mr. Mike and I talked this week about how this constant pursuit to "tweak" our fertility by continuing the meds, by seeking doctor after doctor, is only working against our (my) ability to find peace. The fact is, all of this tweaking simply can't override God's will. It's either in His plan or it's not. All the doctors, meds, surgeries in the world...even all the other immoral reproductive treatments available to us won't change God's plan for our particular situation.

Pregnancy happens because God chooses to open a womb.

God is trying to do something great in my life and I'm complicating things. He just wants me to trust Him. What kind of faithful servant am I if I respond, "Ok Lord...but just in case, I'm going to have a Plan B". It's as though He is the Gardener...carefully planting and cultivating my future...and I come along behind Him pulling up the plants to check to see if the roots are really taking hold.

Any "help" I provide Him is just making it worse and complicating what He's trying to do for me.

I'm not saying that I regret seeking the help I've sought. I'm certainly still a champion for NaProTechnology and encourage anyone I can to see a NaPro doc. But let's face it--while it's true that good diet and nutrition and a properly functioning body will go a long way to give conception a greater chance (we all know people who swear by this diet or that, this doctor or that one, this supplement or another). I have no doubt that those things are all good and indeed helpful...in some cases. But in the end...who are we kidding? We all have heard stories of the 13 year old who got pregnant while on crack. (And I'm sure they weren't just using the organic crack.)

My point is...God can overcome any barrier if He chooses to do so. He knits life in any given womb according to His desires.

And so, over the course of the last several weeks--and I know I've said this before but I really mean it this time--I've been feeling increasingly uncomfortable with the idea of pursuing any more treatment. Dr. Hil.gers has reached the bottom of the barrel with me. The ache still remains constant and the tears still flow freely and often, but I'm just not at peace with going further. It's pretty clear that 11 years worth of medical treatments (9 of which have been with NaPro) hasn't produced a baby or even a diagnosis with which to work.

Maybe if I were younger or more new to this, I'd be more aggressive in treatment. Maybe I'm just tired and worn out. Maybe I am just growing cynical in my old reproductive age.

But after this length of time, I need to make the difficult call to cease and desist. After 11 years and a host of doctors, surgeries and treatments under my belt, I think God is trying to tell me something. If it happens, it's not going to happen as a result of anything I do or any given treatment or doctor's care. While I do have some avenues I could still pursue, I'm just not at peace with it. And neither is DH.

We're tired of pegging hopes on the promise of this doctor or that. We've gone to see nearly every doctor, healer, acupuncturist, chiropractor or pilgrimage site (you name it) that's ever been recommended to us these past 11 years.

I feel sort of like God is asking me, "So now that you've seen all these mortal healers and men of science, are you ready to really trust your fertility and future to Me yet?" Not that I haven't been praying and laying this at His feet all along...but there's always an element of me having a Plan B on the back burner....you know...in case God doesn't really come through for us. Now that I type that out, it's so ridiculous. I have more faith, it seems, in a Tylenol relieving my headache than I have of God and His Divine Providence.

So while I don't want to say I'm not interested in pursuing any further avenues--I'm feeling a stronger pull from God to lay this down at His feet...FOR REAL this time...without holding anything back. Without having a Plan B in the works. Even if I do have a subtle infection going on and it gets treated...there's still not guarantee that it will result in a pregnancy, right? If God wants a life to be knit in my womb, it's going to happen with or without treatment. Women get pregnant all the time against the odds and despite all sorts of health conditions, sketchy lifestyles and poor diets. Why couldn't God work something similar in my life if He really wants it?

And, dare I say, if it is ever His will, wouldn't it give Him just a bit more glory if it just happened (as a result of nothing more than putting our trust in Him) rather than as a result of all sorts of medical manipulation? I don't know. I'm just thinking out loud here.

I need to sit back and just let time, patience and prayer reveal what God has planned for us.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart; lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight."
--Proverbs 3:5,6

Lord give me the strength to really mean it this time.