Really cried.
I'm blessed in that it doesn't happen very often, or at least every month the way it used to. More like once a year at best. But every so often, the gravity of it all just hits me. I was simply loading clothes into the washing machine, the noises of the household were escalating and my cramps felt like they were physically weighing me down and I was uttering a "Lord-just-get-me-through-this" kind of prayer when suddenly I just lost it right then and there...somewhere between pouring in the detergent and pushing the start button. I closed the door and locked myself in the laundry room and just allowed the hot tears to flow.
Mr. Mike came in and found me there but knew exactly what to do: stay silent, put arms around me and just be present. We must have stood there, holding each other like that with me sobbing into his shoulder for more than 5 minutes. The poor kids...I can't imagine what they must have been thinking. (Their toys were all picked up when we finally emerged though!)
It felt good though. It was a little release of the tension I've been (apparently) suppressing. It's been building over time and I was long overdue for a good cry. CD 2 is reason enough sometimes to do that to an IF gal, but I'd just received some (wonderful) news that two friends are expecting...one is adopting twins (TWINS!) out of the blue (they weren't even looking to adopt) and the other is the mother of 6 adopted children who just announced that they are miraculously 20 wks pregnant. (!!!) I am so over the moon for these friends and told them so and genuinely meant it.
Still, the green-eyed monster has been working on me nonetheless. I'm ashamed. I have no right to be jealous. I can't think of better families to be so blessed. But I'm so wretchedly human. As cerebral as I try to be about it all, sometimes my sinful nature just gets the better of me. God forgive me.
Lately, several close friends and family members have approached me privately and asked me directly how I'm doing...how I'm really doing. I know what they are are really asking. But I can't bring myself to answer them truthfully because...well, it hurts too much to be honest.
I'm 9 months out from my surgery in Omaha and the canned responses I've been giving people like, "I'm doing great, thanks!" have been falling far short of the truth. The real truth is...I don't know where God is leading us and I feel like we're spinning our tires. I'm seeking a path--any path--and I'm not finding it.
God's silence right now is deafening.
I don't feel as though Omaha and Dr. Hil.gers did anything for me and the treatments (aside from HCG) are a joke. We've attended a few adoption meetings in our area but have been discouraged that our local Catholic Charities domestic program is full and not accepting applications and the foreign programs we are interested in are all showing signs of increased wait times, tighter restrictions or internal bureaucratic chaos. Every avenue we go down, we hit a detour.
It feels like we're going round and round in a traffic circle and can't exit. And so we wait...and wait...and wait...for something to happen. Anything.
The desire for another child is suffocating me. Does He intend for us to have more children or is this desire a
Pregnancy?
Another adoption?
Peace in the life God's given me?
It's fitting that today is the feast of St. Monica--the poster child of those who persevere in prayer and patience. Her unfailing and unrelenting prayer won over the conversion of her pagan husband and that of her son, Augustine--who became one of the greatest doctors of the Church. She is the patron of wives, mothers and difficult marriages. Here's some interesting saints trivia: did you know that St. Monica is often depicted along with the symbol of tears?
Lord, give me graces of strength and patience to wait as your will for us unfolds.
St. Monica, intercede for those who wait in hope for their prayers to be answered.
6 comments:
I can really relate to your post - in so many ways! I know that feeling so well, when you are TRULY joyful for the good news and blessings in the lives of others, and yet at the same time it causes such deep pain within you. It is so hard to understand. I recently wrote a long letter to my dear friend who is expecting. I fear that it will forever change our relationship, and I know it would be my "fault." I don't want that to happen, and yet I can't see how it could not change.
Ugh, and the road blocks. I'm so struggling with this too. Each avenue - medical treatments and adoption - seem to be so so difficult. Each presenting their own additional burdens.
I will pray for you. Aren't you hosting a baby shower this weekend??? Wow, I will pray for St. Monica's intercession for you. :)
Beautiful post. I hope and pray that God shows you a little direction soon. I'm in the sort of the same spot (waiting, but waiting for what?), and trying to stay strong while everything is so uncertain can definitely be difficult. You're in my prayers!
Yep, tears are good. They help us heal. I'm praying for you! God will lead you!
Yep--baby shower tomorrow afternoon. I volunteered for this, no less! WTH?
Sometimes a good cry is just what is needed. It seems like those emotions come out at unexpected times and often in inconvenient places, but I'm glad you were home and had your husband to comfort you. I wish you could have come to the DC group get together - I was hoping to get to meet you, but hopefully next time - no more hosting baby showers for you!
i don't know what to say except that I feel like I could have written that post. i am sorry.
wanna do some shots? ;)
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